Sunday, May 5, 2013

Cover Letters

Over the years I've sent my resume to many companies which was very much like a telemarketer making cold calls. Then along came the internet where I could post my resume and just sit back and wait for a recruiter to call. Now that method worked. Or maybe it was my cover letters. I don't think I ever got the hang of writing those.

Listen up Slime, 

I hears you been operating in on my turf and yous business is right up my alley. Me, I’m a Engineering Tech. So I’m thinking that you’ve got a nice position for me. You know, great pay, nice hours, challenging tasks (when I feel like it). That would suit me just fine. Now, if you don’t have an immediate opening, my boys say they will be happy to create one for you.

Oh You Darling Hiring Person,

 I so enjoyed your advertisement for an Engineering Technician. Ever so lovely. Please, you really must extend me invitation to present. Oh, And here’s my résumé. Oh, And don’t you just adore the fleur-de-lis en fractual Azure semé-de-lys tressure flory-counterflory of my stationary. It’s just Soo…

Yo Yo Bitches, 

You may thinks yo gots the top ho-owned company for killer tech in the hood. But WORD you ain’t got ME!! Without me in your crib, you ain’t goina make it to the big. Yo’all need an top Engineering Tech to really shine.

To: Evil Director of Human Relations: 

Dear Catbert
EDD reports on your company indicate that you are top-heave at the management and engineering levels (R&D). Now I can’t speak to the management issues, but analyses of your engineering dept. reveals several bullet points;
  • R&D Engineers, once told a design goal, have to split their time between creating the new design and the minutia of NPI. 
  • Sustaining Engineers are tied up responding to customer complaints about products that were marketed before the R&D Engineers finished designing them. 
Adding Engineering Technicians will:
  • Reduce the workload on the Engineering Depts. 
  • Allowing the engineers to exercise their creativity.
  • Permit the reduction of engineers because 
    • Management decides what’s needed (i.e. new design)
    • Technicians work for squat
    • Technicians can cast Pie charts

Telegram

American Telephone and Telegraph
From: Me
To: Hiring Manager

Hire me (stop)

Now (stop)

Letter to follow (stop)

EOM

Special Offer

 Should you hire me within the next 24 hours, you will receive;
  •    One experienced technician in the following areas:
    •   Sorry, Classified 
    •  Electronics 
    •  No, can’t talk about that either
    •  Other stuff (disgusting, something about grease traps)
  •   PIE Charts and BAR Graphs… In Color 
    •  Data not required, will invent at need 
  •  15’ x 20’ carpet
    •  Only 40 yrs old
    • Only worn in one pathway 
  • Many, many… many CRV containers
    • Valued at 5¢ to 20¢ depending on volume and age 
    • Containers older than you can be valued as antiques 
    • No transport charge 
  • Absolutely NO Spam or Spam, Spam & Spam, and/or Bacon & Spam
    • If I’m not hired this feature may be revoked

Hello Green Person(s)

 I desire a position within your place of employment as a Engineering Technician. I’m available for immediate employment and have attached my resume in WORD format (Please do not print it as the orange/red ink is radioactive and would be a waste the paper). My salary requirements are modest, but I do insist on a “Green” work environment.

Greed must be the prime mover in a corporate environment.
Rape and pillage of third world countries is appropriate for first world countries (but not for second world shits)
Environmental impact only refers to my comfort  
Edge – I get you before you get me.. Bitch
Now you will give what I want. Do you hear me you …

 Ah Crap, I think I've lost it.
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